Sunshine and Tan Lines

It has been ridiculously beautiful outside for the past week-which is why I have not been posting anything-forgive me :). 

So much has happened in the past six days. My life has changed for the foreseeable future-and I don't know if it will be for the good or the bad. My husband got fired from his job last Wednesday after being with his company for ten years. He averaged eighty hours of work per week for them, and was only home (at most) two days a week-recently he has only been home every other weekend or every third weekend. After all of this hard work (even when he was home he was working-phone calls, computer work, etc) to add insult to injury his boss fired him in the parking lot of an airport. What kind of decent human being does that to someone?! It is ridiculous...and heart breaking. His boss met him, said "I have bad news you are fired. Give me your car keys, your laptop, and your company phone. I will drive you over to a rental car to drive home."...isn't that a kick in the pants followed by a punch in the face...it is a horrible, despicable, cowardly, disgusting, terrible, terrible, way to fire anyone-let alone a man who worked as hard as he did for their company...I am still seething mad!!! (I thought I would tell you, in case you couldn't tell from my tirade). 

So after my world basically crumbled to the ground Wednesday-now neither of us is making any money-we have no income until either he gets a job or I go back to work in September....scary scary scary, I tried to focus on other things. I have been staying outside a lot, mowing grass, rotatilling my garden, weed whacking, and just laying in the sun when possible. I've had school work to keep me busy also, which has been a thankful distraction....'grown up juice' as Sarah puts it, also has helped some....I just don't know what to do now though...I have this other grown up in my house with me now 24/7 and I haven't ever had that before...he has always traveled, always been gone five days a week...so my entire marriage changed on Wednesday too.....

It's been quite a week...When battling the worst reaction from grown up juice I've ever had (ha ha) I broke down and got some McDonald's food-it was worth the calories because it made me feel 100x better. I probably shouldn't have done it, but I will blame it on not thinking clearly. Other than that i've done decently well. I had one frappe, and ice cream at Harris Hill, but I've also had quite a few salads (8 I think), which is a huge huge improvement from a month ago. I don't really have a lot to say other than that...I will post again soon because this one isn't really about anything health related. 

Oh! I am starting an ab challenge and squat challenge, I will post pics and updates on my progress. Soon. 

I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful day, keep your chin up. Here is a quote to end with:

"If you're going through hell, keep going" -Winston Churchill 

Tuesday

Well....this weekend was a whirlwind of fun! I went to visit my sister in Baltimore with my other sister. Because of work reasons we didn't leave until 9 pm, meaning we didn't get down there until a little after 1 am. Saturday morning we got up and started preparing for the Lia Sophia party! We cleaned, decorated, and prepared the food. It was a ton of fun! I ate too much food, but I laughed all day so possibly it evened out??? Sunday we walked down to the Inner Harbor! It was such a beautiful morning, and we were able to get some great pictures of the baby boys! We started home Sunday around 11 and got home at 3:30. It was a wonderful weekend; however, not the most healthy....
               I ate more food than I wanted to...especially Sunday afternoon. I had a dunkin donuts breakfast sandwich, iced coffee, a hotdog (venison with no bun), two helpings of homemade fries, and two muffins (banana with oatmeal) with butter. Monday was not much better...no breakfast-just a starbucks frappechino, lunch was a salad with blue cheese and chicken strips with buffalo sauce, bacon bits and cheddar cheese. Then strawberries for snack. And finally to top the crappy crappy day three pieces of homemade pizza, three hard lemonades, and a few handfuls of chocolate chips....terrible. Plus I didn't work out except to clean the house all morning yesterday.

Today I am going to start a 10 week running plan:

Link

I am skipping week one and two because I have been walking/jogging for the last month or so. So week 3 starts today! I am going to do it while the kids sleep and hopefully take them over to the park after naps.

The worst part of all of this is that I weighed myself on Friday and I had lost three pounds! I told you I know I had lost at least two....so over the weekend I probably put it all back on-I don't know why I do that-there is no good reason. I won't stop though, so today I am going to begin a new routine and stick to it. My younger sister and I are entering a 5k in June and I am determined to plod, waddle, struggle my way through it all while jogging! I don't want to walk at all...and I have 6 weeks to get there.

Procrastination

I am a serial procrastinator...I have been one since I can remember. I have always done homework, studied, presentations, lesson plans, yard work, Christmas shopping, Birthday shopping, and anything else. I have an uncanny ability to compartmentalize everything, I can remember being stressed out but it always seemed to work out fine. I graduated with a 3.36 GPA and I can remember sitting in my chair the day of graduation thinking: shit, if I hadn't procrastinated my way through college I could have had a 4.0. I was always ok with doing decent and I was never a perfectionist. I was ok with typing a paper the night before it was due, not proof reading it and turning it in to get a 90% or a 95% instead of a 100% if I had started earlier or proof read it. I don't know why I do this-possibly because:
 school has always been decently easy for me?

• Or it was less stressful to go through school and life that way?
•  Maybe because I liked talking to my boyfriend or hanging out with friends more than studying and I did ok without it, so why not?
•  Or because I worked on weekends and some nights so I was busy and I could reason my way out of starting things early, always saying I would start it tomorrow?
• Maybe because it always worked out ok-it never backfired on me (knock on wood)-it always turned out either ok or great?

This seems like gloating, or being big-headed (I do have an abnormally large head-physically), but i'm not. It's the way I have always functioned. School lessons could have been spectacular, but instead of spending hours and hours at night on them I chose to do them at school in the morning and make them efficient and to the point...because I was tired (probably because I was lugging an extra 100 pounds around all day...). I am not proud of it but I am still a great teacher-but I think every day how much better I could be. I get ideas about changing lesson plans and looking up research and doing this and that for my classes...but what do I do? I procrastinate....I put it off because I can do it later, and I have taken care of two kids all day so I deserve time to relax....I make an excuse.

Right there it is!! I MAKE AN EXCUSE and that is why I think losing weight is going to be so difficult. I have been procrastinating for years about losing the weight! YEARS. Because I don't HAVE to do it now. There is no deadline, no reason I have to do it...I WANT to do it...but I do not HAVE to do it....that I think is the key and my problem. I don't know how to get around it...but I have been thinking about it constantly for about five days...I am formulating a plan, and right now taking everything a day at a time. Maybe I need to change my eating habits and the entire way I approach life.

That's it for now...I hope everyone has a great night, keep your chin up. Here is a quote to end with:

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice." -Wayne Dyer 

Beautiful

Today is a picture perfect day. The sun is shining, there isn't much wind, and it's around sixty degrees. Not too shabby for April. I haven't done terrible in the way of food -

Breakfast: Homemade iced coffee (low fat cream and vanilla syrup), Greek yogurt and granola(1/4 cup)
Snack: Apple
Lunch: Salad with bacon bits and blue cheese dressing, grilled chicken with spaghetti sauce and mozzarella and a zero calorie energy drink
Snack: Four peppermint patties and water
* I also had a few of the baby's cheese puff things*
Dinner-Sourdough pretzals (three) and a Mike's Hard Lemonade

Also, I went out twice (To Sam's Club in the AM and the park in the PM) and I didn't get eat out either time-a HUGE accomplishment for me-three weeks ago I would have had two McDonald's meals equaling approximately 2,000 calories...

Even though this is all I've had I feel....guilty. Like I could have and should have done better than this....Maybe because I feel too full, maybe because I haven't worked out like I feel I should have yet? I don't know what it is...I know we are our own biggest enemy, but why do we have to be like that? Why can't anything be good enough? Why can't we celebrate little victories instead of focusing on the failures? Why why why? The list goes on and on...

Well that is all for now...I hope everyone has a great night and keep your chin up. Here is a quote to end on:

       "Expect problems and eat them for breakfast" -Alfred A. Montapert 

**Something we can eat guilt-free!! haha**

Melancholy...

So...two days have passed since my last post. Since my last post I have walked five miles (four of them Sunday night) and traveled through five different states with the kiddos and Jay. I have been thinking about what to write about and have come up blank...My eating habits haven't been terrible- NO fast food!!(Well, Subway but that isn't really fast food)So that is a plus!

Monday consisted of 10 hours in the car...we left Kentucky at 8:03 am and I pulled in my driveway at 5:50pm. The kids were WONDERFUL!!! We only stopped once-in Maryland. Sarah slept 2 hours in the morning and 3 in the afternoon (through most of PA) so that helped a ton! I loved visiting my in-laws but I am glad to be home.

Tuesday was pretty uneventful. I had cereal for breakfast, chicken nuggets and steamed chicken rice for lunch, 3 peppermint patties, and twizzlers for a snack (crappy I know..), and half of a salad with chicken on it for supper. Sarah got sick which made me feel pretty crappy for the rest of the night...stupid I know. I also did a little walking with my cousin Alicia...we probably did 3/4 of a mile at a snail's pace because we had 4 kids and a dog with us!

Today has been pretty dreary...breakfast was yogurt with granola. Lunch was salad with grilled chicken (shake and bake on it) with blue cheese dressing and bacon bits. Snack was 3 peppermint patties and Special K sea salt chips, with a diet coke and supper was beef kabobs-I ate half and was full! I haven't worked out yet but my sister is supposed to be coming over after work and we might work out then....I have danced around with Sarah a lot today, cleaned the downstairs, and washed loads of laundry.

I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning (hopefully at my lightest point of the day) and I am positive I have lost two pounds...My plan for tomorrow is to walk in the morning with the kids (2 miles) and hopefully come home and do some yoga. Friday will be another trip away...which means controlling the urge to just eat junk food. I found a good picture today- it said: "If you are really serious about losing weight then you have to be completely honest about the food you eat"...I took that as don't round down the portion sizes you are consuming....If you have a bowl of cereal it is probably full to the top which is two servings and more calories than you think...plus double the milk, etc. Portion problem is a HUGE problem for me...I always have too much of anything I eat....I S-U-C-K at portioning correctly...something to work on though!

I hope everyone has a great night...keep your chin up and here is a quote to end on:

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."  -Helen Keller 

One Step Forward Two Steps Back...

So.....Friday ended with hamburgers for supper along with baked onion rings and corn...I had a hamburger, 5 onion rings, and a large helping of corn with a class of water. Before dinner I took Sarah for a walk-we walked a little over a mile total-it took awhile but it was better than nothing. After the kids went to bed I went back out and everyone was playing cards and eating ice cream....what to do?? I grabbed a glass of water, yogurt and rice cakes and munched on my rice cakes cursing the ice cream in my head and keeping my distance from it-like it was a vicious dog and if I got too close it would bite me.

Yesterday was interesting...Jay and I took Sarah to Hillbilly Days....remember we are in Kentucky! ;) It was a blast. She rode rides, jumped on a trampoline with bungee cords so she flew high, and won a few toys. We stopped and got her a hot dog, myself an italian sausage and then all three of us shared one...clump? of cotton candy-she wasn't impressed. Sarah hates having her hands sticky or dirty..and the cotton candy stuck to her fingers terrible-it was sort of funny, but I felt bad for her at the same time. We ended up walking about a  mile and a half there (slow of course), saw Elmo and Spongebob and then Jay bought three funnel cakes to take home for everyone. He opened them in the car as soon as we pulled out and started handing me pieces...I had 4 bites, cursing myself with each one and vowing I would walk it off when I got home. As soon as we got home turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, corn, and gravy was ready.....lovely. I had some turkey on one piece of bread, with half a scoop of mashed potatoes covered with one ladle full of gravy (1/2 of the amount of everything I normally would have)...I also had two helpings of green beans and  a glass of water. Then I changed and out the door I went-before any  more food could be shoved at me!! I jogged a total of .5 miles...and totaled 2 miles (or a little over). Jay and Sarah met me on the way back, and I ended up carrying her up the (steep) hill back to the house because she didn't feel like walking anymore. Around 10 after not being able to fall asleep, she and I went back to the living room and saw everyone playing cards and eating ice cream again. Swearing to myself under my breath I once again grabbed water, yogurt and rice cakes....stupid ice cream where is it all coming from-the freezer isn't that big!! 

Today...Bull Creek Flea Market and more freaking funnel cakes. I ate half of one when we got home-shooooooot. Then I left the house to do school work and I was in such a depressed/crappy/annoyed/peeved  mood I had a McDonald's burger, fries and drink half way eaten before I came to my senses and thought OH NO!!!! I pushed the uneaten food away, opened my computer and started typing furiously. Now as I type this I am so angry with myself I can't stand it. Sometimes I wish I didn't hate throwing up so much!(Just kidding-I could never be bulimic and do NOT condone it as a way to lose weight). Darn darn darn darn.... 

So what to do now...? Go home, eat a salad, and walk four miles- that is what I will do. I planned on doing it anyways-I will just kick it up a few notches to burn more calories and hopefully work off any extra calories I ate. I love Jay's family but I will be happy to be home where I have less temptation around me 24/7. Where there is no food constantly staring me down, making me feel constantly uncomfortable. Where I will not be constantly telling myself: no, no, no don't give in, don't do it, stay strong, you don't want to eat that, you want to be skinny, keep your eye on the prize...and so on. 

So I guess my conundrum for the day is this:

 If I know I WANT to lose weight with all of my heart and I know I NEED to lose weight WHY WHY WHY do I do this to myself???  

Why do I screw myself over by eating crappy food? What is my problem? I am not trying to make myself look the victim and I do not want your sympathy...I just am trying to figure out what the deal is. 

After doing some thinking I decided to google some definitions: 

will·pow·er or will pow·er  (wlpour)

n.

The strength of will to carry out one's decisions, wishes, or plans

this didn't really help....

will ¹  (wl)

n.

1.

a. The mental faculty by which one deliberately chooses or decides upon a course of action: 

b. The act of exercising the will.

2.

a. Diligent purposefulness; determination: 

b. Self-control; self-discipline: 

3. A desire, purpose, or determination, especially of one in authority: 

4. Deliberate intention or wish: 

5. Free discretion; inclination or pleasure: 

6. Bearing or attitude toward others; disposition: 

This helped more. 

So....do I lack the willpower to lose weight and make decisions not to eat unhealthy food? I have no desire to eat healthy food most of the time...why is that? Because unhealthy food seems to taste so much better?? Because tends to be cheaper? Requires less work to prepare and eat?....the list doesn't end there but those are probably the main reasons why so many people eat crappy food. 

So...how do I strengthen my willpower? How do I summon the "mental faculty" to "deliberately choose" the healthy food when it is easier not to...and it tastes so good not to??? 

Maybe I could try classical conditioning: attach a rubber band to my wrist and snap it every time I think about eating bad food...then I would come to associate bad food with pain or unpleasantness. Could that work? Who knows...

I know I've started building willpower...I avoided crappy food for two days here...then broke down (almost unconsciously). I just need to get better at it I guess. 

I hate this saying but time will tell...

Well I hope everyone has a great rest of the day...keep your chin up. Here is a great quote to end with:

"The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential... these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence"  --Confucius 

Depressing, Drizzly, Day

I went to sleep with 75 degree weather not a cloud in the sky. I woke up to rain clouds and thunder rumbling-yuck. It has been a very....tiring day today despite the fact that I have not done anything. It is amazing how doing nothing for a day can be ten times more exhausting than packing the kids up and driving 600 miles! The good news is both kids slept all night so they are bright-eyed and bushy tailed- much more themselves today. 

Sticking to my plan seems impossible at this point in time. When I sit on the couch in the living room I can see: pringles, biscotti, candy mints, baked cheetos, 100 calorie packs of keebler fudge cookies, granola bars, angel food cake, a huge loaf of italian fresh baked bread(this by far looks the most inviting), and even more food I cannot see from this vantage point. The refrigerator has a peanut butter pie, balogna, soda, juice, cheese, and the freezer has about 20 ice cream bars and tubs of ice cream. I can practically hear the food chanting: eat me, eat me, eat me! 

For breakfast I had special K cereal with skim milk. At 10 or so I helped make a chocolate pudding pie-licked out the bowl and ate a handful of baked Cheetos  two mints, and two rice cakes. I then made an excuse that I was tired so that I could get out of the room and take a nap. When I woke up the food was still staring at me so here I am typing to you from the McDonald's in town with music blaring through my headphones eating a salad with grilled chicken, sipping iced coffee (better than the frappe I REALLY wanted) and watching my plain half-full low fat vanilla ice cream melt. The whole way here I asked myself: Would I rather be skinny or eat the cheeseburger? That question was followed by: Will one cheeseburger really hurt? (Look at me-it is never just one. You know it and I know it). I decided it WOULD hurt, skipped a small fry that "wouldn't hurt" either, and got the medium vanilla iced-coffee and ice-cream (that combined are less calories than the cheeseburger) as a "reward" for not choosing the-excuse my french: shi**y food. 

I need to find a way to exercise today...and I don't know how I am going to...I walked a lap around wal-mart looking for the cheapest headphones possible ($4.99), but that isn't going to cut it....I will find a way-the rain is beginning to stop, so maybe I can convince everyone to go to the park with the kids and walk. 

**FOOD TIP:  With McDonald's salad I always do two things-pick out the 4 tomatoes that are always in it, and take the sliced chicken and break it into even smaller pieces. That way I am guaranteed to get a piece of chicken at least every other bite and I feel like it is more.**

To jump topics-

Talking on the phone to my cousin the other day, I realized that I haven't felt hungry (except maybe once or twice) in forever. I came to this conclusion:

I do not eat when I'm hungry- I eat when I don't feel full anymore

Holy cow, what a revelation that one was at 11:30 pm last night. I eat when I am NOT FULL....not a good habit to have at all... ugh just thinking about it makes me feel crappy. I think that is what I miss. I've thought about it the last few days. I am not hungry...but something feels like it's missing-it's the constant feeling of fullness that I've had for months, years even...wow. 

I don't know what it means....but I think that realizing it is a big deal. That is all I have for now-if you have any insights feel free to enlighten me :). 

I hope everyone has a great day-keep your heads up and remember:

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream."

-C. S. Lewis 

Vacation...

Today isn't a great post...

Two iced coffees, diet energy drink, diet Pepsi, Starbucks Pre- packaged frappe chino, water...

2 apples, 1/2 banana, 1pk fig newtons, 1/2 turkey panini, 1/2 bag kettle chips, Special K chips, salad(2), 1/2 piece pizza....

12 hour road trip to Kentucky

11pm and my two year old is awake....goodnight all :)

Today

The ups...

I started out with a glass of water, granola, greek yogurt, and a banana :)

I cleaned the house including all rooms downstairs, did two loads of laundry, vacuumed the floors, and steamed them :)

My grandma , and Great Aunt Ruth visited for lunch :)

For lunch I had water, salad, a piece of lasagna 1/2 the size I would normally have, and fruit :)

I walked outside and sat in the sun for almost three hours ( burned one arm and my chest a little- but yay sun!)

I went to the grocery store for our trip tomorrow to Kentucky and I bought NOTHING completely unhealthy(as in chocolate and caramel or not fat free). I got one bagel for breakfast, one pretzel stick (roll-type bread), diet green tea, diet Monster Energy drinks, fat free fig newtons, twizzlers, peppermint patties, gold fish for Sarah, and Special K chips. Everything I put in my cart was less than 210 calories per serving and the serving sizes are high. When I got home Sarah helped me start packing for our trip tomorrow. :)

I gave both kiddos a bath together and it went well!:)

I went to McDonalds while out and got ONLY an iced coffee- no frappe ( I was having one a day for awhile...sometimes two) :)

The downs...

At lunch I had too much bread- it was Italian and realllllly good. I had three halves... So 1.5 pieces. :/

I ate the pretzel stick when I got to the car (more bread) :/

I had 6 peppermint patties today... :/




Overall not a terrible day food-wise. I did much better with snacking than I usually do- mostly because I was out of the house, but I didn't walk or work out officially...I did clean and walk some. But not a ton.

I hope everyone enjoyed the beautiful weather today and had a chance to enjoy some sunshine. I bought a few magazines on workouts and eating right so hopefully I will have a chance to read and post about them soon.

"I'm not losing weight I'm getting rid of it- I have no intention of finding it again"

How I got here...

I know I have been posting multiple times a day...but I think for the first few weeks of my weight loss (at least) this blog is going to be my "distraction" from food. This blog is not going to be tips and tricks for losing weight (at least not for awhile), it is going to be about what I am doing day-by-day to lose the weight I need to.  For me, losing weight will not be as easy as: "don't eat junk", "don't eat so much","eat this much", "drink this much", "work out so many minutes a day", etc.. I cannot and will not speak for others, but I did not get to the weight I am because I love the taste of food. This may sound like crap and you can believe what you want, judge me, or roll your eyes at me, but food has always 'been there' for me. I am not saying that my family and friends have not been there-they always have and always will; however, when you have a crappy day, every one is asleep, and you cannot sleep you have to do something. For me that was eating.

I cannot, repeat cannot, remember any part of my junior or senior year of high school-except my Senior Dinner/Dance-because I was soooo sun burned after an all day track meet (I threw javelin my senior year). I wholeheartedly believe that I cannot remember these years because I began having seizures in high school. I had petit mal seizures multiple times a day for an extended amount of time. Then I had a few grand mal seizures and was put on anti-seizure meds. The dosages were adjusted multiple times, and I had a few different kinds before a dosage was settled upon..this all took months to sort out. Before all of this was under control my sister's told me that I had a seizure that caused me, during a softball game, to put all of our catcher's gear on and get ready to go out on the field while we were batting. I was not the catcher ever on that team...how embarrassing. I got up in the middle of class during another one, went up to the teacher, and told her that Eddie needed extra help with his math. Another one I had was while a classmate was presenting- I started rocking back and forth-interrupting the entire presentation...these are three that I have been told about...how embarrassing. Before all of this happened I was a size 12-14 (at largest). When I graduated high school I was a size 18. I do not remember being picked on about this, I was on National Honor Society (so my grades stayed up), I was on Homecoming Committee...but I do not remember any of it. I have a box of notes from an old boyfriend that I don't remember ever reading, or saving. It was like I woke up one day a freshman in college a size 18. I don't remember ever being small. I've always been uncomfortable with the way I look.

I started working at McDonald's in college my freshman year (the end). Bad eating habits plus a fast food job (15% discount)= 25 pounds of weight gain my sophomore year. Drinking, smoking, and letting myself be influenced by the people around me turned into a part time work load one year later. I finally came to my senses and transferred to a different college, got a different job, and got my education and life back on track-except eating. By that time I was a size 20. I stayed a size 20 until after I got married, and pregnant. I had Sarah and was a size 22-I wore my maternity clothes for 11 months. One personal trainer and 25 pounds lost I was back to an 18/20. Pregnancy and the birth of William brings me to where I am now...252 lbs and a size 22 with one pair of pants that will fit me (besides yoga pants).

Eating for me is not just something to do when i'm bored and that is why I think it is going to be so difficult to change what I do. Everyone has a busy life, too much to do, too much to focus on, and not enough time in a day to do everything they want. I know, I know. But whenever I felt lonely, tired, stressed, or any other negative emotion in the past eating is what I did. Did it make me feel better? Maybe for awhile. Did I feel bad after eating it? Sometimes. Usually I just threw myself into school work, regular work, family events, crafts, or anything else that would stop me from thinking that eating sh** was a problem. Eating not only gave me something to do, but it distracted me from everything for a bit I guess.  When I am stressed and want to unwind I eat, and eat, and eat...and sometimes I don't realize it until an entire bag of chips is gone, or a tub of ice cream, or a box of chocolates- you get the idea. I think it will always be a problem for me- no I KNOW it will always be a problem for me. But if I want to lose weight I have to find a different way to "cope"...what a terrible word to use, but it fits.

So that is how to got to this...please don't feel bad for me, judge me, or have any other type of negative emotion after reading this. That is not what I want. It is over...but I have never written anything about my weight over the past 10 years....wow- I've been this big for 10 years. I've been unhappy with my looks since I can remember, and all I've managed to do is have daily pity parties for myself and be a 'victim'. A great quote to end this blog is this:

"Your life is a result of the choices you make...If you don't like your life it is time to start making better choices"

*Such as an apple for a snack at 10 o'clock at night instead of a bag of chips and soda-go me!!*