I cannot, repeat cannot, remember any part of my junior or senior year of high school-except my Senior Dinner/Dance-because I was soooo sun burned after an all day track meet (I threw javelin my senior year). I wholeheartedly believe that I cannot remember these years because I began having seizures in high school. I had petit mal seizures multiple times a day for an extended amount of time. Then I had a few grand mal seizures and was put on anti-seizure meds. The dosages were adjusted multiple times, and I had a few different kinds before a dosage was settled upon..this all took months to sort out. Before all of this was under control my sister's told me that I had a seizure that caused me, during a softball game, to put all of our catcher's gear on and get ready to go out on the field while we were batting. I was not the catcher ever on that team...how embarrassing. I got up in the middle of class during another one, went up to the teacher, and told her that Eddie needed extra help with his math. Another one I had was while a classmate was presenting- I started rocking back and forth-interrupting the entire presentation...these are three that I have been told about...how embarrassing. Before all of this happened I was a size 12-14 (at largest). When I graduated high school I was a size 18. I do not remember being picked on about this, I was on National Honor Society (so my grades stayed up), I was on Homecoming Committee...but I do not remember any of it. I have a box of notes from an old boyfriend that I don't remember ever reading, or saving. It was like I woke up one day a freshman in college a size 18. I don't remember ever being small. I've always been uncomfortable with the way I look.
I started working at McDonald's in college my freshman year (the end). Bad eating habits plus a fast food job (15% discount)= 25 pounds of weight gain my sophomore year. Drinking, smoking, and letting myself be influenced by the people around me turned into a part time work load one year later. I finally came to my senses and transferred to a different college, got a different job, and got my education and life back on track-except eating. By that time I was a size 20. I stayed a size 20 until after I got married, and pregnant. I had Sarah and was a size 22-I wore my maternity clothes for 11 months. One personal trainer and 25 pounds lost I was back to an 18/20. Pregnancy and the birth of William brings me to where I am now...252 lbs and a size 22 with one pair of pants that will fit me (besides yoga pants).
Eating for me is not just something to do when i'm bored and that is why I think it is going to be so difficult to change what I do. Everyone has a busy life, too much to do, too much to focus on, and not enough time in a day to do everything they want. I know, I know. But whenever I felt lonely, tired, stressed, or any other negative emotion in the past eating is what I did. Did it make me feel better? Maybe for awhile. Did I feel bad after eating it? Sometimes. Usually I just threw myself into school work, regular work, family events, crafts, or anything else that would stop me from thinking that eating sh** was a problem. Eating not only gave me something to do, but it distracted me from everything for a bit I guess. When I am stressed and want to unwind I eat, and eat, and eat...and sometimes I don't realize it until an entire bag of chips is gone, or a tub of ice cream, or a box of chocolates- you get the idea. I think it will always be a problem for me- no I KNOW it will always be a problem for me. But if I want to lose weight I have to find a different way to "cope"...what a terrible word to use, but it fits.
So that is how to got to this...please don't feel bad for me, judge me, or have any other type of negative emotion after reading this. That is not what I want. It is over...but I have never written anything about my weight over the past 10 years....wow- I've been this big for 10 years. I've been unhappy with my looks since I can remember, and all I've managed to do is have daily pity parties for myself and be a 'victim'. A great quote to end this blog is this:
"Your life is a result of the choices you make...If you don't like your life it is time to start making better choices"
*Such as an apple for a snack at 10 o'clock at night instead of a bag of chips and soda-go me!!*
Do you remember hitting the boy in gym class with a hockey stick? You stood up for yourself then (he hit you and didn't expect you to hit him back!), and I am so proud that you are standing up for yourself now! Reading what you are going through emphasizes how strong you are - you have handled all of this silently in the past and now are putting it out in the open - something I could never do!
ReplyDeleteFor the record, those of us who know you never ever cringe when we see you, all we see is the love you have for everyone and your open heart!
You're an inspiration to us all. Love you no matter what!
I don't know if I remember it, or if I remember people telling me about it and telling what I think I remember. I know that Stacy's boyfriend at the time (Fred of course) tackled him after he hit me in the head-or at least I think he did...that's what I put in my story when I tell it, and then I hit him while he was down...who knows.
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