Yesterday was interesting...Jay and I took Sarah to Hillbilly Days....remember we are in Kentucky! ;) It was a blast. She rode rides, jumped on a trampoline with bungee cords so she flew high, and won a few toys. We stopped and got her a hot dog, myself an italian sausage and then all three of us shared one...clump? of cotton candy-she wasn't impressed. Sarah hates having her hands sticky or dirty..and the cotton candy stuck to her fingers terrible-it was sort of funny, but I felt bad for her at the same time. We ended up walking about a mile and a half there (slow of course), saw Elmo and Spongebob and then Jay bought three funnel cakes to take home for everyone. He opened them in the car as soon as we pulled out and started handing me pieces...I had 4 bites, cursing myself with each one and vowing I would walk it off when I got home. As soon as we got home turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, corn, and gravy was ready.....lovely. I had some turkey on one piece of bread, with half a scoop of mashed potatoes covered with one ladle full of gravy (1/2 of the amount of everything I normally would have)...I also had two helpings of green beans and a glass of water. Then I changed and out the door I went-before any more food could be shoved at me!! I jogged a total of .5 miles...and totaled 2 miles (or a little over). Jay and Sarah met me on the way back, and I ended up carrying her up the (steep) hill back to the house because she didn't feel like walking anymore. Around 10 after not being able to fall asleep, she and I went back to the living room and saw everyone playing cards and eating ice cream again. Swearing to myself under my breath I once again grabbed water, yogurt and rice cakes....stupid ice cream where is it all coming from-the freezer isn't that big!!
Today...Bull Creek Flea Market and more freaking funnel cakes. I ate half of one when we got home-shooooooot. Then I left the house to do school work and I was in such a depressed/crappy/annoyed/peeved mood I had a McDonald's burger, fries and drink half way eaten before I came to my senses and thought OH NO!!!! I pushed the uneaten food away, opened my computer and started typing furiously. Now as I type this I am so angry with myself I can't stand it. Sometimes I wish I didn't hate throwing up so much!(Just kidding-I could never be bulimic and do NOT condone it as a way to lose weight). Darn darn darn darn....
So what to do now...? Go home, eat a salad, and walk four miles- that is what I will do. I planned on doing it anyways-I will just kick it up a few notches to burn more calories and hopefully work off any extra calories I ate. I love Jay's family but I will be happy to be home where I have less temptation around me 24/7. Where there is no food constantly staring me down, making me feel constantly uncomfortable. Where I will not be constantly telling myself: no, no, no don't give in, don't do it, stay strong, you don't want to eat that, you want to be skinny, keep your eye on the prize...and so on.
So I guess my conundrum for the day is this:
If I know I WANT to lose weight with all of my heart and I know I NEED to lose weight WHY WHY WHY do I do this to myself???
Why do I screw myself over by eating crappy food? What is my problem? I am not trying to make myself look the victim and I do not want your sympathy...I just am trying to figure out what the deal is.
After doing some thinking I decided to google some definitions:
will·pow·er or will pow·er (w
l
pou
r)
lpour)
n.
The strength of will to carry out one's decisions, wishes, or plans
this didn't really help....
will 1 (wl)
l)
n.
1.
a. The mental faculty by which one deliberately chooses or decides upon a course of action:
b. The act of exercising the will.
2.
a. Diligent purposefulness; determination:
b. Self-control; self-discipline:
3. A desire, purpose, or determination, especially of one in authority:
4. Deliberate intention or wish:
5. Free discretion; inclination or pleasure:
6. Bearing or attitude toward others; disposition:
This helped more.
So....do I lack the willpower to lose weight and make decisions not to eat unhealthy food? I have no desire to eat healthy food most of the time...why is that? Because unhealthy food seems to taste so much better?? Because tends to be cheaper? Requires less work to prepare and eat?....the list doesn't end there but those are probably the main reasons why so many people eat crappy food.
So...how do I strengthen my willpower? How do I summon the "mental faculty" to "deliberately choose" the healthy food when it is easier not to...and it tastes so good not to???
Maybe I could try classical conditioning: attach a rubber band to my wrist and snap it every time I think about eating bad food...then I would come to associate bad food with pain or unpleasantness. Could that work? Who knows...
I know I've started building willpower...I avoided crappy food for two days here...then broke down (almost unconsciously). I just need to get better at it I guess.
I hate this saying but time will tell...
Well I hope everyone has a great rest of the day...keep your chin up. Here is a great quote to end with:
"The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential... these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence" --Confucius
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