The Plan

What do you write as your first word, sentence, paragraph, post for the blog that is going to document the progress of the overhaul you plan to do on your life? I don't know the best way to start this blog....but this is how I am going to...

My name is Melissa.

I am 27 years old.

I am 5'4" tall.

I am married.

I have blonde hair.

I have blue eyes.

I have two children-Sarah and Will.

I have a wonderful extended family. 

I have a great job.

I live in a beautiful house.

I sew anything and everything.

I build furniture out of pallets.

I am a crafter.

I am a high school Math teacher.

I am a great friend. 

I have great friends.

MY LIFE IS WONDERFUL! 

But I do not enjoy,embrace,value, love, cherish,  (insert chose adjective here) ...because I am morbidly obese.

Whew, I acknowledged it. I put it out there. I typed the words. I said them out loud:

 I. AM. MORBIDLY. OBESE. 

I am a Math teacher, therefore a logical thinker when it comes to everything it seems, but myself. I know that I am obese, I know that I am unhappy, I know I need to lose weight-but I just haven't in the past. It is not for a lack of trying. I start a diet and three days later I give up. Then I beat myself up for weeks, build myself back up, try again, and give up a week later. It is a terrible cycle both physically and emotionally. I am an emotional train wreck. 

 When I am around my friends and family I am an entirely different person than I feel when I am alone. I am a great actress. I play the part of the strong, confident, independent woman that does not care or even acknowledge she is obese. This woman dresses nice, wears nice makeup, has nice hair, is always making jokes and is fairly funny. She goes out of her way to do things for anyone that asks her, and never says no when a favor is asked of her. She takes her kids to play dates, makes food for every gathering, has small parties at her house, and loves to host any party or event. She loves to be a part of everything and doesn't need anyone to tell her thank you. To my family I am the girl that hardly ever cries, is tough as nails, and has perfect self-esteem. Oh how I have fooled them.....

I am not saying that I am emotional or negative to the point that I am depressed or anything...although I have been there before. I just am saying that I am not happy with myself because of the way that I look. I cringe when I see myself in pictures, I avoid them whenever possible, and I almost always volunteer to take group shots-thereby avoiding being in them without saying "I don't want you to take my picture because I don't want to see how fat I look".  The weirdest part about being overweight is that when I look in the mirror I feel like don't look THAT big...It hits me the hardest when I see a picture of myself. Then I think "Wow...is that me?...how do people look at me without cringing?...No wonder I never dated in college....This is why I never had drinks bought for me at bars...How does my husband love me?....Where did that double chin come from?...Why did my family tell me this shirt looked good?...When did this happen?...Why didn't anyone say anything to me?...." and a whole slew of other very self-deprecating, self-loathing, hateful, and negative thoughts.  Then I eat whatever I can find in my house, watch tv, play with my kids, sew, and try to forget that I was in that picture. It is a cycle that I have been repeating over and over for years....it is terrible and it needs to stop. So this is my plan....

I am starting this blog to write down every feeling and emotion I have related to my weight. It is also going to be a blog about my 'journey' of losing weight. I am not a fan of the word journey...but I cannot think of a better word to describe it. I will blog about what I eat, what I do, how I feel, any anything else I want to because this blog is all about me (selfish, I know).  

Today is Monday, April 15th 2013 and today my life will change forever. 

My current weight is: 252 lbs

My goal weight is: 152 lbs 

HERE I GO!!